A dose of truth

deur Jonathan Oliver op 12 November 2010 om 11:39 NM

[The following is a journal entry that I wrote nearly a year ago at the early part of my 12 month deployment to Kuwait that began in November 2009.  This was when I was still struggling with my same gender attraction and believing that Father-God would deliver me from what I then believed was sin.  This was before I found g0ys and Monkey Brothers Playing but a couple of years after Father-God put the desire in my heart to actively pursue men's ministry and gave the the Sons Of Iron program.  I will post more on Sons Of Iron in future notes.]

 

     I’m starting to panic inside.  I have such a low threshold for this pain.  I can’t take much more.  I know I must surrender it to You if I want true relief.  Help me to do that.  My will is still under the spell of my flesh and the evil desires of my heart.  It’s up to my mind and Your Spirit to coax my will back to righteousness.  I think that if my flesh quiets down and this panic and pain die down, then I can make it.  I need truth to ease this pain.  I know that this pain is born of lies.  If I can focus on the truth it will diminish this pain.  Truth is the medicine I need.  Lord, speak to me truth.  Fill my mind with truth.  Speak truth to my heart.  Thank You, Jesus!  I feel the calm.  There was more to that father-want thought.  I need brothers to help fill that void.  I’m scared, Lord.  I’m scared that I won’t find what I’m looking for.  I’m scared to look for it.  I’m scared of rejection and disappointment.  I’m scared to the point of inaction.  I’m deeply discouraged...  As I was writing, some visions filled my mind.  They were that of three brothers embracing, comforting one (like me) in this kind of despair and then imagining it was me and that in that moment, in that embrace, out of my control, I would have an erection.  And I know typically, that would cause discomfort among the others, because I envision this embrace being that close.  Wouldn’t the others disengage, release, and step back?  Then I imagine myself as one of the other brothers and I wouldn’t release.  It would be okay because I as the hurting brother need for it to be okay.  I need to feel safe and accepted despite the erection, despite the ugliness of it.  I need to feel accepted despite bearing something unacceptable.  Then the vision turned to that of me and Dad because the brothers are a surrogate.  And I think about a close embrace with him and the same thing happening and I imagine him being okay with it, accepting me, and embracing me anyway, allowing me to linger in his arms.  That’s a dream.  But it strikes to the heart of my pain.  I just want to be that close to Dad and still feel safe and be accepted despite bearing, exhibiting, displaying, and imposing something unacceptable no matter how uncontrollable it is to me.  Wow.  The calm is gone and the pain is back.  I’m holding back tears.  That is the intrinsic, primal, and primary desire of the son…  So where does that leave me?  How come You just won’t take all that pain away.
 You provide me with this exact love and acceptance, without the physical aspect.  Why isn’t that enough?  I’m seeing why.  It’s not that You aren’t enough, but You are calling me to be a minister to my brothers who struggle with these issues of sonship but don’t have the insight or wherewithal to truly deal with it or to understand what it is they are dealing with.  Without this pain, and without this dialogue about it with You, You can’t teach me and share with me the wisdom with which to teach and minister to my brothers.  I remain in this pain so I can continue to discover the truths You need Your sons to know.  I’m still on the cross because it is not yet finished within me.  I have not yet completed this journey through sin that arrives at death.  And again I receive a clearer picture of the true reality of Phil. 3:10 in my life (…that I may in that same way come to know the power outflowing from His resurrection [which it exerts over believers], and that I may so share His sufferings as to be continually transformed [in spirit into His likeness even] to His death…).  I am sharing in Your sufferings.  I’m going to have to add verse 11 from now on (…[in the hope] That if possible I may attain to the [spiritual and moral] resurrection [that lifts me] out from among the dead [even while in the body].  Double Wow!  The pain is gone, but my heart burns for what You want for me.  That holy fire has singed the sting of sin in my heart.  I am greatly encouraged.  Thank You, Jesus! 

[Little did I know that this vision would reappear 9 months later in an epiphany that began as a personal spiritual pursuit to totally surrender all of my life, especially my SGA, to Christ and culminated in finding g0y.org and Monkey Brother's Playing.  What I knew was that the pain was the result of years and years of deep shame from multiple sources that had converged on me.  What I discovered was that I didn't have to live in that shame anymore.  Jesus set me free from that shame not by removing my SGA but by removing the shame.  Knowing that He does not shame me but Loves and accepts me and approves of my SGA has made all the difference.  I no longer feel that kind of pain.  I ache for connection but that ache is not compounded by an imposed rule that says I shouldn't want that kind of connection.  I'm not in anguish because the uncontrollable desires of my heart are not in conflict with my faith.  And I no longer feel like I'm crazy.  The vision is a reality.  It is more than a dream.  It is alive.  It is not my vision but Father-Gods vision.  I invite you to share in it.]