There Is A Man Come Into Egypt...

One of my passions is Ancient Egypt, it's history, gods, people, mythology, art- I love it all, and I am an avid student. I have even gone so far as to research into Mesopotamia, Persia, Nubia, Ethiopia, and Zimbabwe, Greece and Rome, as they all interconnect. They also all are the roots of monotheism.
Someone wanting to study Ancient Egypt will find no dearth of material in any language- millions of titles have been published, from the totally messed up (Budge), the mystical (Crowley), the deep scholarly (Wilkinson), the lavish translations (Faulkner), and the common man's archaeo-porno (Carter). What excites me the most are the pre-dynastic to 12th dynasty period (think Scorpion King and Narmer), and the total fucking insanity of the 18th dynasty (Tutankhamen & his family). The late Greco-Roman period I find boring and useless, it is no longer really Egypt.

I have mentioned several Egyptian stories and concepts in recent essays, and I feel that now would be a good time to share simplified versions of the stories I referenced.


Egyptian Creation starts with Atum straddling a Benben, and leaning back so he is upside down. Benben is a word of much importance, many sacred words come from it, like Bennu, a sacred spirit bird. The problem is, no one knows exactly what the Benben is. Theories range from a Calabi-Yau manifold (mine), to a cone, a pyramid, a nest, a cave, a mountain, or a kind of big sphere or ball (I like this one too, but it's not mine). We know it is an important part of Creation, and that's pretty much it.
So Atum is hanging upside down while straddling the Benben, and he begins masturbating.

Now, I need to stop here, and re-iterate how this closely matches Taino/Maya Creation, Shaivite Creation, and how the Australian Rainbow Serpent operates. No angry smiting or punishments, no tortures or destruction- just sacred Paje, a Creator nuzzling himself. It is so warming and mind-blowing, and can teach us so much, especially about ourselves. It also can show us quickly just how anal and repressed our own twisted mythologies and attempts at culture are.

Atum is cranking away, swinging from the Benben, and then he reaches orgasm, and ejaculates semen into his face, and gets it in his mouth and nose. As he spits and sneezes the semen out, he creates the other familiar gods- Ra, Hathor, Osiris, Min, Shu, Nut, Geb, Seth, and Sekhmet, the First Ennead. (Notice there is no Isis, she is a later Greek creation, and is not in the original.)

This focus on masturbation and semen occurs several more times throughout the Egyptian story cycle as well, most notably in the Osiris-Seth-Horus cycle.

Seth and Osiris are brothers, and really don't get along. Both want the Crown of Upper and Lower Egypt, as they both want to be king. In a long convoluted conspiracy, Seth gets Osiris killed, and dismembers him, and hides the body parts all over. The gods find all of the pieces of Osiris, and re-assemble them, except for his penis. Min loans his, so the reformed Osiris can impregnate Sekhmet (again NOT Isis like in the later versions...). Sekhmet gives birth to Horus, the son of Osiris, who is taken care of by the Ennead. First Horus is a sacred child king, and then when he reaches his teen years, he and Seth are allowed a contest to see who should be king of Egypt. During the contests and proceedings, Seth flirts with Horus, and invites him back to sleep with him. Horus accepts, and he and his uncle frot, and Seth tries to penetrate Horus to show domination, but he is really between Horus' thighs. Seth ejaculates, and Horus catches it in his hand. Horus is instructed by his mother to go wash it off his hand in the Nile, which Horus does. Sekhmet then instructs Horus to go masturbate and ejaculate on the lettuces in Seth's garden, as it is his favorite breakfast food. Horus goes to the garden, and jizzes all over the lettuces. The next morning, Seth is served the Horus-skeet-flavored lettuces. They then go before the Ennead, and Horus reports Seth tried to reach orgasm while penetrating him. Seth says this he accomplished, and can prove it. (This is important, because if one had penetrated the other, the penetrated one would be disqualified for kingship. This continues for all Pharaohs, and is even one of the claims the king must make at death- “I have not taken a man into my ass, I have not shit his semen.” Egyptian culture was quite homoerotic, but rabidly anti-anal sex.)

Seth (the Jackal like head) and Osiris 

Horus denies this, and says his semen is inside of Seth, and he can prove it. So, the Ennead calls out to Seth's semen to identify itself and it's location, and it cries out from the Nile. The Ennead then asks for Horus' semen to identify itself and it's location, and it does so from within Seth's stomach.
Seth loses the contest, and Horus is crowned king of Upper and Lower Egypt.

So remember- wash your lettuces well before eating them, unless your Guatiao has been in your garden!

Feel free to double-check me on the accuracy of these stories, cause that would mean you are reading Egyptian mythology, and then we'll have more to talk about! Thanks for indulging me.
May Ra shine down upon you brightly today.

-JoaquinRaymundo in Sewaornock, in Manahatouac.